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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

HR secrets revealed

Some laughter for those of us who need to, or still do, look through the help wanted ads: COMPETITIVE SALARY
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Wife from H-E-L-L

WIFE FROM H-E-L-L

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.The officer says, ' I clocked You at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the Wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your Radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second Ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife And says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice That you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when You pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always Talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part....
Only when he's been drinking.'